Memori

Setiap daripada kita mempunyai memori tersendiri.

Semestinya himpunan memori indah itu merias liku-liku kehidupan kita di sini.

Bagaimana pula dengan memori lama yang tidak berseri? Mampukah kita memadamnya daripada kotak fikiran yang semakin sarat?

Aku teringatkan seseorang semalam selepas melewati karya-karya yang dihasilkan di kala malam dahulu.

Dia telah tiada. Dia telah meninggalkan aku kira-kira 6-7 tahun. Rasa sebak menerjah hati ini apabila mengenang tragedi yang meragut nyawanya. Rasa sesal kerana tidak menghargai teman ini.Rasa sesal kerana tidak bertemunya seminggu sebelum peristiwa hitam itu berlaku.

Sungguh tidak disangka, Tuhan menjemputnya terlebih dahulu.

Aku benar-benar merindui saat-saat kita berbual sambil dibuai bayu laut. Walau sang bayu tidak berlembut dengan kami bertiga, ia tidak mengugat bicara kami pada lewat petang tersebut.

Selepas beberapa tahun menuntut di bumi asing, kembalilah teman muda aku ke tanah air.

Namun tidak lama kemudian, Tuhan juga telah menjemputnya ke sisi-Nya.

Aku kelu, jatuh terduduk dengan manik-manik air yang berguguran.

Mengapa? Itu saja yang aku mampu ujarkan. Aku kesal kerana tidak menghadiri majlis memorialnya. Garisan sempadan dan masa menjadi pemisah.

Aku kesal.

Seorang teman pernah berkata bahawa mereka yang dijemput-Nya itu telah memahami erti kesetiaan.

Mereka yang masih berada di alam fana ini masih perlu mempelajarinya. Aku tidak mengerti.

Kekadang, aku lebih mendoakan pemergianku daripada terus bergelumang di sini.

Aku menikmati saat-saat kelana, saat-saat di studio, saat-saat memegang tinta, saat-saat bersama dengan orang-orang tersayang dalam perjalanan hidup ini.

Namun, rasanya aku lebih cenderung dengan pemergian diri ini. Aku mendoakan pemergian yang tidak menderita, pemergian yang aman dan bukan disakiti. Pemergian yang membebaskan daripada kekalutan yang membalut jiwa, minda dan jasad ini. Pembebasan yang membawa aku kepada-Nya untuk selamanya.

Tanpa penderitaan. Tanpa tangisan. Hanya kedamaian. Hanya kesucian. DIA dan aku, hambanya. Untuk selamanya.

At the Dimming of the Day ( The Post-effect)

It is a tired night as I head to my room. It would be even more tired to remain in the studio. Waiting for the guest speaker, interviewer( rule No.1, you must strive to be early asap to be on the set), other crews, etc..As if to wait for the whole world. It would be good to have less NGs for the day. It would be good if we do not need a particular location, a particular weather and time for the production but just in the studio. Otherwise, the hours seem like years. Nevertheless, it's a good break to do outdoor shooting although studio is preferred.

What you watch in the idiot box could take less than an hour but in actual it goes on for hours and hours in the production all the more with the waiting, NGs and obstacles and the unexpected.

Life often appears in this way, doesn't it?

It takes years to build a dignified, respectable reputation but a scandal is enough to tarnish the all good, squeaky clean image.

It takes years to build a residential area but it doesn't take long to demolish it.

It takes time to bake that carrot walnut cake but it is finished in minutes when you serve it.

It takes time to build a relationship but when it turns lemon, the 'ship' doesn't take long to sink.

However, the post-production effects should be considered.

It is a fulfilling day and inexplicable gladness when the production ends well. The video-editing is done. The text is well-inserted. The show goes on air and well-received from viewers including the critics.

Yes, when your heart agrees with what you enjoy doing.

Likewise, we discover the facade behind the squeaky, clean figure. But, we also learn at the end of the day, everyone is vulnerable, fallible and we are no less too. Thus, we should perhaps, learn to be less judgmental.

The cake is no longer on the table but you absorb the nutrients (provided if you used real food ingredients).

The cake fills the hungry mouth-children who are struggling for the main 3 meals in a day.

Yes, the relationship has ended but you have walked out from it. From the abusive man. From that selfish woman. A sense of new freedom.

This song lingers with me tonight.  Yup, 90s again.=)

Dreams (1994) ,The Cranberries's Single

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Mk2jjCSeUHc&vq=medium

A Second-hand world

"We are living in the second-hand worlds. The quality of our life is determined by meaning  they have received from others. Everyone lives in a world of such meaning."

(C.Wright Mills, E.Said, "Covering Islam", Routledge & Kegan, 1981)

The above is so well-said. I couldn't agree less.

Do we ask ourself who shape our thoughts and actions? Ourselves or others most of the time?

Do we often join the crowd or make a stand?

Do we often analyse or prefer to surmise?

Media wields the power to change the world because we look to them for sources and in return, they can influence, not less but enormously.

And more often than not, we buy their stories, unconsciously.

What I wrote for the headlines of the week or rather what my superior wanted me to write will reach to the public. And, they take from there.

They are not at the scene. They do not interview the relevant sources.

They read our lines.

Sometimes, the pieces are informative, cynical or edifying. Sometimes, they could be the opposite truth.  They buy the interpretation of the stories , the form instead of the real substance when an evil twist is made.

Likewise, the 'flawless' cover shoot, the doll-up, the camouflage and the crew's hardwork in the studio are unseen. Beautiful , glossy and perfect images are printed and displayed. From the juicy mags to billboards. That's what the public see. They do not see what happened in the studio. They do not see the hair extensions, the collaboration between the make-up artists to give the 'it' look, the shooting angle to hide the flaws. And, it is easy to surmise, that celebrity has 'the look to kill'. And later, we hear " I want to have this celebrity's  haircut, I want to  have the big sparkling eyes like that celebrity and so on.

A celebrity shared how she was sort of turned down by a man in a party . He discovered her hairpiece which she forgot to remove after a mag shooting. I guess the forgotten mind was good in retrospect. It revealed the inner side of the dude.

We are all not much of a difference. We all have flaws, including the celebrities whoever he/she is. They have bad hair-days, bulges, pimples, pain, worries and stress. For job's sake, they have a higher burden to hide those flaws.

What we see doesn't often work like a mirror. What we see may be inaccurate.

We form our perceptions largely from the secunder sources without further thoughts. Take it as it is.

That is why we have strerotypes, generalizations, discriminations and assumptions.

Let's debunk the myths. Let us ask, anaylse and re-consider.

That's is why I said we have the freedom to think, if not the freedom to speak.

Enough of the 2nd hand world.

Friends and Lovers

Part of our life is made up of the people that we call friends and also those we call our love.
A lover should ideally be a friend before the commence of romance.
In some cases, a lover could no longer be a friend when the romance turned sour.
A friend could still be a friend if they make the effort to keep the camaraderie.
You could have as many friends as you like but essentially, a lover is more than enough.

Someone once told me this:

Sharing thoughts and feelings is sometimes greater in friendship than in marriage, although commitments is less strong, as friends come and go over the life course.


There are times when we couldn't share with our love but it is easier to do so with a friend.
We are comfortable to reveal before a friend, not our lover. Tough, huh?

There is an official way to end a relationship for legalised lovers-divorce or judicial separation.
In friendship, there is no legal declaration to be made when it is over.
It is easier, it seems to mantain a friendship than a 'loveship'.

All in all, human relationships no matter which category they are, is fragile.
It is often easier to tear things apart than to build them.

May we cherish and treasure the relationships we build and doing our best not to ruin it.

Missing, misses, miss

I have a strong attachment with words. I am fond of them. They exhibit my mind and sentiments. Cathartic.

They typify me as a writer and journalist.

Recently, I am looking at the root word 'miss'.

One word , many definitions.

That is the beauty of words although some lament more meanings lead to confusion and mistake.

(I)

Have you ever dislike a place only to find a strange, overwhelmed feeling after a re-visit?

I passed by this abandoned place one night. I admit that I dislike it when I was there.

Somehow, I was overwhelmed as I entered this place after leaving it for such a long period of time.

At a corner, I saw myself walking across the lake on the way to catch up with my buddies.

I recalled the hanging banner informing the musical concert which I enjoyed to watch.

It is often as such , isn't it ? Leaving and returning gave the sense of  misses.

(II)

Staying in a foreign country which is relatively largely better than your own doesn't often appear glorious.

Despite the comfort and convenience, you just sense (slowly but surely) something is missing.

Perhaps, no matter where we go in this universe, our origin never walk away from our heart.

(III)

It is inevitable to live  far away from the one we miss , those who are dear to us when we have to leave whatever the reasons may be. Right now, I miss the hugs, kisses, words, my green warrior and obviously my home.

Alone or Lonely? An unequal yoke?

When you are doing a sociology research, it is hard to move from the American context.

I was reading a excerpt of  "Made in America", by sociology professor Claude S.Fischer.

There was this portion that caught my attention- Alone or lonely?

It studied the trend of the solo living , an increasingly popular choice or a non-choice among the Americans.

On a note, it reminds me how easily assumption, generalization and stereotyping has insidiously creeping in our life. We easily assume alone means lonely. Similarly, lonely means one is alone.

Does both share the same state? No, if you are buying the uncommon assumption, generalization and stereotypes.

When you are alone, you can spend time doing what you want and can do. Something you enjoy that comes from your heart and soul. Without the unnecessary intervention. Just you, the wall, the music, the inanimate. It could be building the model ship, strumming the guitar, cycling in the park, composing a song or baking a cake, the enjoyment is unspeakable. You would not feel being lonely although there is not a single soul around you. Coz you are deeply enjoy with what you do. Coz' it is not imposed on you. Freely and naturally born from your heart. Your soul. It is true that when are true to yourself, you find the inexplicable freedom.

No loneliness is written in those moments. 

Right, that is if you can do what you enjoy when you are on your own. What if you couldn't find what you enjoy to do in those alone moments? Now, that is the task to discover and to explore the possible enjoyment. In those solo moments, 'me' time. That's the best time to act. No one to tell but you , being true to yourself and not buiding upon others expectation.

I was travelling one day, although not accurately alone as there were other passengers. Some were like me, unaccompanied. But we were in the same journey, heading towards our selected destination.

We saw green tress lining up the road, the blue mountain below the clouds and the blue lake before our eyes. We listened to our favourite tunes in our journey. And it was only in those alone moments where we could savour the above to the best. Without interruption. Without distraction to rob our enjoyment and attention.

While sometimes when you found yourself in a bunch of people, there too you found loneliness .

Laughter and stories exhanged on the table. Yet, you could feel alone although you are in the crowd.

You do not enjoy the moment. Sometimes, for unknown reasons.

I was going for a sponsored meal on one Thursday. On a strict interpretation, I was not alone with the presence of a number of people who were sitting together with me. Somehow, I did not enjoy the moment. I couldn't. Wrapped in loneliness amidst a hearty meal. The jokes made by one young man didn't work on me.

Having shared all of these, without doubt everyone would have different interpretations. Different version of views. It is a good thing that we have the freedom to think, if not the freedom to speak.

Some happily choose to live alone and sadly, some are forced to live alone especially the elderly.

Although alone moments are great, there could  be the best times of 'two is better than one '.

And bearing in mind, there are things that we couldn't do on our own.  We need the inclusion of others in our life. One of the reason.

Steaming the fishball, the veggies and meat in the boling water with my heart - stealer was an enjoyable moment for me.

The same enjoyment was exhibited when I had a house pouring red-wine in a cosy bar with my new drinking mate.

Enjoying Thai cuisine with my beloved family on one Saturday night was fabulous.

Yea, we could enjoy both the alone or more moments when it is in sync with our heart and soul.

All I know, alone doesn't mean lonely. Both are unequally yoked.

The Many Sides of Rain

Down under, Brisbane is hugely deluged by the relentless water force.

I am thankful that it doesn't spread to Sdyney, otherwise I would have to think more than twice.

Somehow, water is necessary in our life. We can do without love or food but not water, seriously.

In the context of survival unless one choose to exit.

This H20 comes in many forms. Mild, tender, delicate, rough, tough and forceful.

The howling wind slapped the window of my work station and the gentle waterdrops started to conquer the late evening.

I stopped my work and looked from the window. The city was bathed in rain. In the beautiful light of the night.

A lovely view and atmposhere with the accompanient of the playing music.

Unspeakable. I didn't stay away from the window.

Rain holds some memorable moments  in my life's journal.

It brought me to my first date whom I met on a rainy Sunday.

It also observed the almost broken down ties with an East - ian who had forgotten me, leaving  me in an unfriendly rainy night without an apology. I should have just followed the Jap instead of waiting.

Once in a while, I let myself to taste the raindrops. It may sound silly to soak in the rain but I am on my way towards an unconventional life and unseen thoughts.

I found an interpretation of a joyful rain in this song. Yes, it's the 90's again.=)

RAINY DAY (The Corrs, 1996)

A bomb drops and no-one stirs

On a lazy summers evening

Seated with a man

She knows she shouldn't be with

But in his eyes, the lies surprise

Something she's been needing

A certain touch within her voice

Can tell you what she's feelin'

*I want you

Need you

Yeah, I want you

I need you

**And I'll be lyin' here waitin'

Hopin' lov'll come my way

(Save it for a rainy day)

But if the sun's still shinin'

I'll save it for another day

(Save it for a rainy day)

A door slams and suddenly

She's awoken from her dreams

Of late goodbye's and shadowed eyes

Those crazy summer feelings

*Repeat

**Repeat

What If?

Doesn't "what if " is a notorious cliche?
But that's what many of us would say.
If we are living in a timeless world, I doubt this becomes a regular phrase.
As it is, I wonder "what if" we can go back to selected past to activate those good times, esp the 90's voice.
And as it is, I came across this relevant song.

"What If"

By KATE WINSLET

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heartache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsMo8UuB8XQ

Prenups

"I like you but I don't love you."

The Brit-born dropped this statement to his live-in lady friend of several years.
In the rising cases of broken relationships, this is not super uncommon.

Prenups is recognized and legalized and increasingly becoming popular in the English land. Doesn't matter if it was made in German, the English courts took it in.
I like this liberal approach.

Prenups is essential in today's style of relationships.
Nothing is permanent and the landscape of relationship has changed largely.
We would not know when our love will fade. It is unpredictable.
The person whom we love today could become the person we only like tomorrow and eventually a scorn in the future.
The person whom we never expect to fall for could usher us into an amour. Again, unpredictable.
Whatever it is, we are free to choose. And choosing doesn't do us easy either. We are living in consequences unconsciously with who and what we choose ultimately.

Right now, I choose to sit along with the English bench.

The 90's Creek

Someone told me that the 90's is the best.
Well, there are a couple of good , nostaglic 90's hits which are still sustaining today.

I recalled my last wine of the late which  brought my 90's back.
I couldn't forget Paula Cole's rendition that was playing frequently and it felt good at the bar.



Paula Cole
This Fire (1996)
I Don't Want to Wait

So open up your morning light
and say a little prayer for I
You know that if we are to stay alive
and see the peace in every I

She had two babies
one was six months one was three
In the war of '44
Every telephone ring
Every heartbeat stinging
When thought it was God calling her
Oh would her son grow to know his father

CHORUS:
I don't want to wait
For our lives to be over
I want to know right know
what will it be I don't want to wait
For our lives to be over
Will it be yes or will it be
Sorry

He showed up all wet
On the rainy front step
Wearing shrapnel in his skin
And the war he saw
Lives inside him still
It's so hard to be gentle and warm
The years passed by and now
He has a granddaughter

Chorus

Oh so you look at me
From across the room
You're wearing your anguish again
Believe i know the feeling
I sucks you into the jaws of anger
Oh, so dig a little more deeply into my life
All we have is the very moment
And I don't want to do what
His father and his father and his father did
I want to be here know

So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I
You know that if we are to stay alive
And see the peace in every I

Chorus (2 times)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0qdaTTS53M&feature=fvwrel

Before and After Time

THe 2010 has ended without me seeing the firecrackers of new.
I could only heard the explosion that akin to blow me to pieces in the ailing bed.
Exploding my heart or my all, I wasn't sure as the days wore on.

Without the sunray and the lying on the sickbed was the most terrifying close of 2010 for me.
I don't expect such fall after celebrating purple Christmas.
Enduring the discomfort in the falling rain leaving me no choice but to endure as much as I could.

The next moments were painted dark in unprecedented chill and attacking pain that chained me to the bed.

I saw black and had it not be the quick distance to my bed, I couldn't imagine what could happen next.

It was in such times that I learned the importance of kinship.
My beloved family travelled all the way for me to take me in.
I am moved . I do not expect the visit. Had it not been for my beloved family, how would I sustain?
Thank God for family. Thank God for their love and care for me. It is soothing and comforting.

I realize it is eating up me. It is harder to recover in speed unlike in the past.
A month plus and the taste has not sink in. It is still heavy as I tried back my walk regime which has been abandoned about a month. I know it is coming and I am not as tough to fight as before.
Nevertheless, what I could do is live the best I could.

I never want to fall into such darkness again. It is terrifying. Sending shivers. Sending scenes of a bunch of strangers at my place but I couldn't get up to close them.  I was about to seek a medium, if that could help. In such desperate times, man would probably try all means , including the unfamiliar and untested.

And although if seems that without fail, this man would text at such times, it will never be the same again.
I am not going to turn back time and with the remaining power, I shut it down.