Sunday, October 10, 2010

Apa itu erti keberanian?

Betul kata Gordon. Tiada siapa yang melepasi rintangan dan duka dalam kehidupan ini.

Pada saat-saat  ini, apakah perkara kritikal yang perlu dititkberat?
Aku harap aku tidak akan memperlekeh apa yang penting buat masa ini.
Aku bukan takut bertemu ajal, apa yang aku gentar ialah kesakitan.
Apabila hati berdenyut dan ditusuk, apabila rasa tidak selesa memamah badan. Apabila mata tidak pejam di kala kamar malam.
Apapun, aku sudah bersedia untuk mengetahui keputusan hari esok atau lewat hari nanti.
Lebih bersedia untuk ini daripada menurunkan diri di tempat yang masih asing.
Ahad terakhir.
Aku akan merindui bayu laut yang membalut resah yang berbaur di sanubari.
Aku akan pulang. Aku akan pulang jua.

Aku berat hati . Apakah keputusan ini yang sewajarnya?
Apakah ini pilihan hati?
Hanya Tuhan Yang Maha Esa yang ada jawapannya.

Aku diberitahu  kita harus berani mencuba kerana kita tidak tahu apa yang bakal berlaku. Ia adalah sesuatu yang ghaib. Oleh itu kita tidak berhak untuk menentukan sama ada kita akan berjaya atau tidak. Ketentuan itu di luar bidang kuasa kita. Hak kita hanya mencuba dengan keberanian.

Andainya kita berkata gagal, maka perjuangan itu sudah berakhir dan pastilah kita menjadi selemah-lemahnya.Tugas kita hanya untuk memohon dan meminta sesuatu daripada kuasa yang paling agung iaitu Allah. Jangan meminta daripada manusia kerana manusia hanya sedikit harta untuk diberikannya, tetapi meminta pada Allah kerana Allah mampu dan berkuasa memberi sebagaimana yang ditentukan-Nya.

Manusia telah dijadikan di dalam keadaan bersusah-payah.
Kita mempunyai daya tahan yang mengkagumkan.Terpulang sama ada kita hendak menggunakannya atau tidak.Apabila ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan.

Aku berfikir sejenak.

"Aku memohon pada-Mu Ya Tuhan. Berikanlah  kekuatan pada hambamu yang tidak menakung ketenangan. Bukalah jalan pada hambamu ini yang masih dalam kegelapan.
Dakaplah hambamu ini dalam kasih-mu yang tidak pernah berubah.
Amen."

Friday, October 1, 2010

Solitude in the sands.....

It was a tad confusing times.
I don't expect this to come eventhough my mind reeled at that question some time lapse.
Surprisingly, it came today. Surprisingly. A blessing in disguise?
Is this real?
I still have some time left with me. To make a change.
Yet, it was given by a set of turn of events which is watched and crafted by the above or "nasib"?
I am unsure.

Should I? Will I be given?

I ran upstairs to break the news to the one who loves me and quarrel with at times.

And I couldn't wait to break to the one who also loves me more than I do. One whom I am guity towards.

The past couple of days saw me walking at the park  , alone when Mister Moon and the galaxy of stars take over the scene.  Only a  soul over here.I like it here. I like the dark shady mysterious shadow. The pine , the sand and sands.....

Walking over the bridge while casting my shadow on the lake, with a moonlight view at the mini jetty was panoramic. I was smitten there and then.

It feels so right to be alone in such solitary moments. A solitude.

And how long more  can I be here during those evenings? How many hours?

What could come afterwards?

God is mightier than my finite thoughts.

Yes, I still miss him but I know there are greater things that I 've missed.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lambaian perpisahan dan salam pertemuan

Dendangan piano "Gone" oleh pemain piano Jimmy Chappell berkumandang di udara. Serasi dengan hamparan gambar-gambar musim luruh yang aku dahagakan suatu masa dahulu.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0vDhxSvfTo

Tak ada yang Abadi-tajuk lagu PeterPan itu memberi satu ingatan bahawa sebenar-benarnya itulah hakikatnya.
Manusia bertemu, berpisah dan sama ada pertemuan akan kembali atau sebaliknya-hanya Yang Maha Esa ada jawabnya. Sama ada jodoh itu akan menemukan mereka atau tidak.Bukan garisan dunia. Bukan iklim musim dan angin. Walau sedekat mana mereka berada , mereka tidak akan bersua melainkan jodoh dan takdir itu hadir untuk mereka. Begitu juga halnya-walau betapa jauh laut dan benua menjadi pemisah, mereka akan bersua kembali jika itu telah dibenarkan oleh Yang Maha Esa , lalu pertemuan itu mungkin menjadi lebih bererti , dikenang dan dihargai.

Dan mereka datang silih berganti.


Semakin sukar ruang pertemuan ditembusi dan apabila ia datang, tangisan gembira dan rasa sebak menerjah kalbu . Barangkali kita  sanggup melepaskan segala-galanya untuk bersua dan tidak mengucap perpisahan. Ia, apabila kita telah memberi lambaian perpisahan pada masa lampau.

Sekiranya pertemuan itu hadir dengan mudah, itu juga bermakna kita mengambil mudah untuk hidup dalam  kealpaan dan kerakusan hidup sendiri yang akhirnya membunuh segala-galanya. Lalu perpisahan menjadi iktibar untuk menghargai dan bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada.


Namun perpisahan itu perlu wujud sebelum hadirnya pertemuan semula.
Barisan  puisi nukilan Wislawa Szymborska berkata:


.....................................

Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways--
perhaps they've passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them
if they don't remember--
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?
a curt "wrong number"caught in the receiver?--
but I know the answer.
No, they don't remember.

They'd be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.

Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn't read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night. perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dear Island....

I have not seen you guys for long and today.
After much prolonged moments, I decided to see you all.
And, somehow you all still give a brilliant work. I envy you guys.
It is founded.

Perhaps, it is so right that I still have not figure out as what you all did  , when I thought I knew it all along.
Perhaps, the mini battle yesterday was the evidence from someone who have went through life ahead of me?

Well, returning to my former  is not inviting but it seems to stay and surprisingly, staying.
This rendition  allures again.
I felt the slow melody of SOWK.
And I know the "disconnected" so well.


Oh, I want to hit the sand at the GOR , longing so hard for it. I don't care how strong Mr Breeze and the chilly temperature.
I don't care about my safety. Even if death is taking its hands on me, in a way , it is the finality and I need not to worry further, I suppose. Just let it be that it is a peaceful one , not a gruesome account.

DISCONNECTED


Something's crept in under our door
Silence soaking through the floor
Pinching like a stone in my shoe
Some chemical is breaking down the glue
That's been binding me to you

I feel like I just don't know you anymore
I've been wrong and I've been there too many times
We walk in circles
The blind leading the blind
We've been disconnected somehow


Well I thought that love watched over this house
But you're boarding up the windows now
We're leaning on each other so hard
Tied so tight we wound up miles apart
Making simple things so hard

I feel like I just don't know you anymore
I've been wrong and I've been there so many times
We walk in circles
The blind leading the blind
We've been disconnected somehow

There's an invisible wall between us now
I've been burned and I've been there too many times
We walk in circles
The blind leading the blind

I see the landscape change before my eyes
The features I've been navigating by
Nothing looks the way it did before
I don't know where to look or what to look for

I feel like I just don't know you anymore
I've been burned and I've been down too many times
We walk in circles
The blind leading the blind
We've been disconnected somehow

There's an invisible wall between us now
I've been wrong and I've been there too many times
We walk in circles
The blind leading the blind
We've been disconnected somehow

There's an invisible wall between us now


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2KltAN3K2Y

Picking white corals

Decision can make or break us.
Choices is part of decision-making.
And I have just made a decision. Through the given choices.

During the dark night journey, I asked multiple questions. Am I  taking  a soft option here or am I serious?
Which will be it? The latter is casual, relaxed and play-down but am I serious? Or should I stick to the dull familiarity and play on the safe side? The one which doesn't change much from the previous state and perhaps that is why it is easier to think the latter could be it? For, for the longest time? The one that could make me happy and feeling better? The one that would not hurt and break me?Or perhaps yesterday was a process of my journey to find the truth ? The favoritism  might not be as what I expect to be the best for me?

I think of Anna, Rudy and many more out there. They have taken baby and giant steps to go for their love. It's risky too. They learned about pain , hurt but also bliss. I gotta tackle the issues rightly which otherwise will put me to square one and the hurt again. Am I ready? This is it? I thought I will not regret if I go for the latter but I might for the former because I know what I can expect. Both are partially equal and standing fine with the blend of the pros and cons. Reliastically,there is  no best both worlds all the time. I am gaining something by missing something else too. (emphasis) I sincerely and prayerfully hope I will not regret thereafter.

Although I have chosen the old familiar, I pray that there'll be better pavements  although rocks and stones will still piling up. At the end of the day, I am learning and learning still in this unknown journey. I've decided to go for the former with a tweak of change. But that does not indicate my entire love as yet.
There is another part of the former I have not deal with. Maybe giving myself the last verification of what is and what is not.

I don't know if Today Yahoo is dropping a clue blue but I know I have to be careful when relying on online sources.It is true that when we make mistake , we are also making a better inch. Without failure, we couldn't define success.It is by knowing what we are not, to know what we are.

5 mistakes everyone should make-yahoo shine

1. Totally embarrass yourself.
2.Ruffle people’s feathers.
3.Follow trends blindly.

4.Be willing to fail.(d-y-l)
5.Carelessly put yourself at risk.

Out of this 5, point 4 strucked me most. And that's what Bill MurphyJr thinks.  Well, a little similar background except the military serving and reporting for Iraq Post.
We served for different sources.

I recalled Peter Buffet who brought me this phrase"do what is speaking to your heart".

In addition, two vital questions thrown by Bill:
Are you .....??
If not, what...... ??

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Blue Sands ....

I guess time does wonder although time will crack things.
I suppose I am able to leave those  behind me. Although the remnant is not vanishing entirely. Yes, things could and will change.
And here again time play its role. A time for everything.
Leaving, moving and going.
Living, sustaining, dying.


So, good-by.
 It was and is right. Sad but it's better than to merana bertahun-tahun. And with it, comes a new beginning. Prayerfully and hopefully, a new start with better changes.
Blue sands-everytime a song played in BB, it just falls right and proper. And that's a bonus.I am glad for Malaysian talent like Yuna. [Coward-sounds right.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DP0B3zCuZc

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Another day out from the sea

I read a book yesterday. The book which I 've been searching for the past few weeks.
It opened my heart partially.

Yes, I wish people will value each other just as they are than those grades and/or material acqusitions.
This is a merit-based world,sadly. Spouse and family are no exception And , ourselves too.