Yes or No?

Yes or No?

Dua perkataan yang mudah disebut tetapi sukar diujarkan.

Dua perkataan tetapi hanya satu sahaja yang boleh  menjadi pilihan.

Sejak aku menerima warkah tersebut,aku tidak pasti apakah aku harus membawa diriku ke sana  yang bakal membawa aku kepada risikan sulit. Aku teruja untuk memegang senjata sebenar dan dilatih untuk menguasai kemahiran yang aku impikan sejak tahun lalu. Tidak disangka penceraian yang disusuli dengan pertemuan segar membawa aku kepada perjalanan baru yang tidak diteroka sebelum ini.

Nampaknya, usaha aku dalam pencarian maklumat sejak tahun lalu tidak sia-sia. Aku  berjaya melepasi halangan pertama selepas bersengkang mata membuat latihan dan mengutip bacaan am yang tidak terbatas. Aku hampir menuju ke gerbang kebal tersebut. Namun aku masih tertanya-tanya. Apakah aku harus berhadapan dengan halangan kedua? Berbaloikah aku menghabiskan masa  di tempat itu yang tidak menambat hatiku? Apakah yang bakal kuhadapi selepas itu?

Aku sedia maklum harga pergorbanan tidak pernah murah. Ini peraturan dunia. Kita perlu membayar untuk setiap yang kita terima sama ada dalam wang ringgit atau selainnya. Namun setiap yang dibayar tersebut ada nilainya. Jika nilainya tidak dapat diukur dengan wang ringgit , pengorbanan itulah yang paling mahal.

Kalut. Kalut. Kekadang aku berharap kegusaran hidup akan beredar seperti awan yang berarak tika lewat petang. Namun, manusia dicengkam sedemikian selagi masa masih berputar di paksi Bumi.

C'est la vie.

Memori

Setiap daripada kita mempunyai memori tersendiri.

Semestinya himpunan memori indah itu merias liku-liku kehidupan kita di sini.

Bagaimana pula dengan memori lama yang tidak berseri? Mampukah kita memadamnya daripada kotak fikiran yang semakin sarat?

Aku teringatkan seseorang semalam selepas melewati karya-karya yang dihasilkan di kala malam dahulu.

Dia telah tiada. Dia telah meninggalkan aku kira-kira 6-7 tahun. Rasa sebak menerjah hati ini apabila mengenang tragedi yang meragut nyawanya. Rasa sesal kerana tidak menghargai teman ini.Rasa sesal kerana tidak bertemunya seminggu sebelum peristiwa hitam itu berlaku.

Sungguh tidak disangka, Tuhan menjemputnya terlebih dahulu.

Aku benar-benar merindui saat-saat kita berbual sambil dibuai bayu laut. Walau sang bayu tidak berlembut dengan kami bertiga, ia tidak mengugat bicara kami pada lewat petang tersebut.

Selepas beberapa tahun menuntut di bumi asing, kembalilah teman muda aku ke tanah air.

Namun tidak lama kemudian, Tuhan juga telah menjemputnya ke sisi-Nya.

Aku kelu, jatuh terduduk dengan manik-manik air yang berguguran.

Mengapa? Itu saja yang aku mampu ujarkan. Aku kesal kerana tidak menghadiri majlis memorialnya. Garisan sempadan dan masa menjadi pemisah.

Aku kesal.

Seorang teman pernah berkata bahawa mereka yang dijemput-Nya itu telah memahami erti kesetiaan.

Mereka yang masih berada di alam fana ini masih perlu mempelajarinya. Aku tidak mengerti.

Kekadang, aku lebih mendoakan pemergianku daripada terus bergelumang di sini.

Aku menikmati saat-saat kelana, saat-saat di studio, saat-saat memegang tinta, saat-saat bersama dengan orang-orang tersayang dalam perjalanan hidup ini.

Namun, rasanya aku lebih cenderung dengan pemergian diri ini. Aku mendoakan pemergian yang tidak menderita, pemergian yang aman dan bukan disakiti. Pemergian yang membebaskan daripada kekalutan yang membalut jiwa, minda dan jasad ini. Pembebasan yang membawa aku kepada-Nya untuk selamanya.

Tanpa penderitaan. Tanpa tangisan. Hanya kedamaian. Hanya kesucian. DIA dan aku, hambanya. Untuk selamanya.

At the Dimming of the Day ( The Post-effect)

It is a tired night as I head to my room. It would be even more tired to remain in the studio. Waiting for the guest speaker, interviewer( rule No.1, you must strive to be early asap to be on the set), other crews, etc..As if to wait for the whole world. It would be good to have less NGs for the day. It would be good if we do not need a particular location, a particular weather and time for the production but just in the studio. Otherwise, the hours seem like years. Nevertheless, it's a good break to do outdoor shooting although studio is preferred.

What you watch in the idiot box could take less than an hour but in actual it goes on for hours and hours in the production all the more with the waiting, NGs and obstacles and the unexpected.

Life often appears in this way, doesn't it?

It takes years to build a dignified, respectable reputation but a scandal is enough to tarnish the all good, squeaky clean image.

It takes years to build a residential area but it doesn't take long to demolish it.

It takes time to bake that carrot walnut cake but it is finished in minutes when you serve it.

It takes time to build a relationship but when it turns lemon, the 'ship' doesn't take long to sink.

However, the post-production effects should be considered.

It is a fulfilling day and inexplicable gladness when the production ends well. The video-editing is done. The text is well-inserted. The show goes on air and well-received from viewers including the critics.

Yes, when your heart agrees with what you enjoy doing.

Likewise, we discover the facade behind the squeaky, clean figure. But, we also learn at the end of the day, everyone is vulnerable, fallible and we are no less too. Thus, we should perhaps, learn to be less judgmental.

The cake is no longer on the table but you absorb the nutrients (provided if you used real food ingredients).

The cake fills the hungry mouth-children who are struggling for the main 3 meals in a day.

Yes, the relationship has ended but you have walked out from it. From the abusive man. From that selfish woman. A sense of new freedom.

This song lingers with me tonight.  Yup, 90s again.=)

Dreams (1994) ,The Cranberries's Single

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Mk2jjCSeUHc&vq=medium

A Second-hand world

"We are living in the second-hand worlds. The quality of our life is determined by meaning  they have received from others. Everyone lives in a world of such meaning."

(C.Wright Mills, E.Said, "Covering Islam", Routledge & Kegan, 1981)

The above is so well-said. I couldn't agree less.

Do we ask ourself who shape our thoughts and actions? Ourselves or others most of the time?

Do we often join the crowd or make a stand?

Do we often analyse or prefer to surmise?

Media wields the power to change the world because we look to them for sources and in return, they can influence, not less but enormously.

And more often than not, we buy their stories, unconsciously.

What I wrote for the headlines of the week or rather what my superior wanted me to write will reach to the public. And, they take from there.

They are not at the scene. They do not interview the relevant sources.

They read our lines.

Sometimes, the pieces are informative, cynical or edifying. Sometimes, they could be the opposite truth.  They buy the interpretation of the stories , the form instead of the real substance when an evil twist is made.

Likewise, the 'flawless' cover shoot, the doll-up, the camouflage and the crew's hardwork in the studio are unseen. Beautiful , glossy and perfect images are printed and displayed. From the juicy mags to billboards. That's what the public see. They do not see what happened in the studio. They do not see the hair extensions, the collaboration between the make-up artists to give the 'it' look, the shooting angle to hide the flaws. And, it is easy to surmise, that celebrity has 'the look to kill'. And later, we hear " I want to have this celebrity's  haircut, I want to  have the big sparkling eyes like that celebrity and so on.

A celebrity shared how she was sort of turned down by a man in a party . He discovered her hairpiece which she forgot to remove after a mag shooting. I guess the forgotten mind was good in retrospect. It revealed the inner side of the dude.

We are all not much of a difference. We all have flaws, including the celebrities whoever he/she is. They have bad hair-days, bulges, pimples, pain, worries and stress. For job's sake, they have a higher burden to hide those flaws.

What we see doesn't often work like a mirror. What we see may be inaccurate.

We form our perceptions largely from the secunder sources without further thoughts. Take it as it is.

That is why we have strerotypes, generalizations, discriminations and assumptions.

Let's debunk the myths. Let us ask, anaylse and re-consider.

That's is why I said we have the freedom to think, if not the freedom to speak.

Enough of the 2nd hand world.

Friends and Lovers

Part of our life is made up of the people that we call friends and also those we call our love.
A lover should ideally be a friend before the commence of romance.
In some cases, a lover could no longer be a friend when the romance turned sour.
A friend could still be a friend if they make the effort to keep the camaraderie.
You could have as many friends as you like but essentially, a lover is more than enough.

Someone once told me this:

Sharing thoughts and feelings is sometimes greater in friendship than in marriage, although commitments is less strong, as friends come and go over the life course.


There are times when we couldn't share with our love but it is easier to do so with a friend.
We are comfortable to reveal before a friend, not our lover. Tough, huh?

There is an official way to end a relationship for legalised lovers-divorce or judicial separation.
In friendship, there is no legal declaration to be made when it is over.
It is easier, it seems to mantain a friendship than a 'loveship'.

All in all, human relationships no matter which category they are, is fragile.
It is often easier to tear things apart than to build them.

May we cherish and treasure the relationships we build and doing our best not to ruin it.

Missing, misses, miss

I have a strong attachment with words. I am fond of them. They exhibit my mind and sentiments. Cathartic.

They typify me as a writer and journalist.

Recently, I am looking at the root word 'miss'.

One word , many definitions.

That is the beauty of words although some lament more meanings lead to confusion and mistake.

(I)

Have you ever dislike a place only to find a strange, overwhelmed feeling after a re-visit?

I passed by this abandoned place one night. I admit that I dislike it when I was there.

Somehow, I was overwhelmed as I entered this place after leaving it for such a long period of time.

At a corner, I saw myself walking across the lake on the way to catch up with my buddies.

I recalled the hanging banner informing the musical concert which I enjoyed to watch.

It is often as such , isn't it ? Leaving and returning gave the sense of  misses.

(II)

Staying in a foreign country which is relatively largely better than your own doesn't often appear glorious.

Despite the comfort and convenience, you just sense (slowly but surely) something is missing.

Perhaps, no matter where we go in this universe, our origin never walk away from our heart.

(III)

It is inevitable to live  far away from the one we miss , those who are dear to us when we have to leave whatever the reasons may be. Right now, I miss the hugs, kisses, words, my green warrior and obviously my home.

Alone or Lonely? An unequal yoke?

When you are doing a sociology research, it is hard to move from the American context.

I was reading a excerpt of  "Made in America", by sociology professor Claude S.Fischer.

There was this portion that caught my attention- Alone or lonely?

It studied the trend of the solo living , an increasingly popular choice or a non-choice among the Americans.

On a note, it reminds me how easily assumption, generalization and stereotyping has insidiously creeping in our life. We easily assume alone means lonely. Similarly, lonely means one is alone.

Does both share the same state? No, if you are buying the uncommon assumption, generalization and stereotypes.

When you are alone, you can spend time doing what you want and can do. Something you enjoy that comes from your heart and soul. Without the unnecessary intervention. Just you, the wall, the music, the inanimate. It could be building the model ship, strumming the guitar, cycling in the park, composing a song or baking a cake, the enjoyment is unspeakable. You would not feel being lonely although there is not a single soul around you. Coz you are deeply enjoy with what you do. Coz' it is not imposed on you. Freely and naturally born from your heart. Your soul. It is true that when are true to yourself, you find the inexplicable freedom.

No loneliness is written in those moments. 

Right, that is if you can do what you enjoy when you are on your own. What if you couldn't find what you enjoy to do in those alone moments? Now, that is the task to discover and to explore the possible enjoyment. In those solo moments, 'me' time. That's the best time to act. No one to tell but you , being true to yourself and not buiding upon others expectation.

I was travelling one day, although not accurately alone as there were other passengers. Some were like me, unaccompanied. But we were in the same journey, heading towards our selected destination.

We saw green tress lining up the road, the blue mountain below the clouds and the blue lake before our eyes. We listened to our favourite tunes in our journey. And it was only in those alone moments where we could savour the above to the best. Without interruption. Without distraction to rob our enjoyment and attention.

While sometimes when you found yourself in a bunch of people, there too you found loneliness .

Laughter and stories exhanged on the table. Yet, you could feel alone although you are in the crowd.

You do not enjoy the moment. Sometimes, for unknown reasons.

I was going for a sponsored meal on one Thursday. On a strict interpretation, I was not alone with the presence of a number of people who were sitting together with me. Somehow, I did not enjoy the moment. I couldn't. Wrapped in loneliness amidst a hearty meal. The jokes made by one young man didn't work on me.

Having shared all of these, without doubt everyone would have different interpretations. Different version of views. It is a good thing that we have the freedom to think, if not the freedom to speak.

Some happily choose to live alone and sadly, some are forced to live alone especially the elderly.

Although alone moments are great, there could  be the best times of 'two is better than one '.

And bearing in mind, there are things that we couldn't do on our own.  We need the inclusion of others in our life. One of the reason.

Steaming the fishball, the veggies and meat in the boling water with my heart - stealer was an enjoyable moment for me.

The same enjoyment was exhibited when I had a house pouring red-wine in a cosy bar with my new drinking mate.

Enjoying Thai cuisine with my beloved family on one Saturday night was fabulous.

Yea, we could enjoy both the alone or more moments when it is in sync with our heart and soul.

All I know, alone doesn't mean lonely. Both are unequally yoked.