Before and After Time

THe 2010 has ended without me seeing the firecrackers of new.
I could only heard the explosion that akin to blow me to pieces in the ailing bed.
Exploding my heart or my all, I wasn't sure as the days wore on.

Without the sunray and the lying on the sickbed was the most terrifying close of 2010 for me.
I don't expect such fall after celebrating purple Christmas.
Enduring the discomfort in the falling rain leaving me no choice but to endure as much as I could.

The next moments were painted dark in unprecedented chill and attacking pain that chained me to the bed.

I saw black and had it not be the quick distance to my bed, I couldn't imagine what could happen next.

It was in such times that I learned the importance of kinship.
My beloved family travelled all the way for me to take me in.
I am moved . I do not expect the visit. Had it not been for my beloved family, how would I sustain?
Thank God for family. Thank God for their love and care for me. It is soothing and comforting.

I realize it is eating up me. It is harder to recover in speed unlike in the past.
A month plus and the taste has not sink in. It is still heavy as I tried back my walk regime which has been abandoned about a month. I know it is coming and I am not as tough to fight as before.
Nevertheless, what I could do is live the best I could.

I never want to fall into such darkness again. It is terrifying. Sending shivers. Sending scenes of a bunch of strangers at my place but I couldn't get up to close them.  I was about to seek a medium, if that could help. In such desperate times, man would probably try all means , including the unfamiliar and untested.

And although if seems that without fail, this man would text at such times, it will never be the same again.
I am not going to turn back time and with the remaining power, I shut it down.

DAISY

I hope I recovered or at least on the road to recovery.
Sayangnya, ia belum menjadi seperti yang diharapkan.

Daisy is pretty blooming once upon a time in Netherlands.
Once upon a time, when things are pretty and bright.
I have no news from Amsterdam. The last stop is Berlin, I assume.

FLowers could bring love, but also death.

I LOOK TO YOU

It's a beautiful rendition from a vocal powerhouse, Whitney.
I heard it on a journey back one of those days I couldn't recall.
It wasn't speaking to me until lately.
My heart and mind urged me to get it.

It speaks of strength.

Yea, I am on my road to 'strengthening' school.
And to strengthen others.

I LOOK TO YOU

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song, I look to you

About to lose my breath
There's no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Led to my regret
And I don't know if I'm gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you
And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song, I look to you

My levee's have broken, my walls have come
Crumbling down on me
The rain is falling, defeat is calling
I need you to set me free

Take me far away from the battle
I need you, shine on me

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength has gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song, I look to you

I look to you
I look to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pze_mdbOK8

LAST CHRISTMAS

I never forget this song where we connected albeit the message Wham conveyed.

Anticipating my journey to meet and embrace the familiar and the unfamiliar moments , counting the time for Christmas.



Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

Chorus

(Oooh. Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart


Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Chorus

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special special
someone
someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone hold my heart and watch it burn
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I've got you here to stay
I can love you for a day
I thought you were someone special
gave you my heart
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
last christmas I gave you my heart
you gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

Wham version:(best version coz the origin is timeless)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFpdRWDxkbQ&feature=related

Piano:(like it)=)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf_xuq_OysE

Guitar:(like this too)=)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asNJyfDKVlM

3 hours to go

As always, you wish there were more hours but it is clearly a remote possibility.
However, the less means the bigger value of moments to cherish.
Insatiable appetite for updates and info with great food on my plate.
I don't mind to travel and spend the weekend at my favourite stay.
I like here more than before. I know this heart cries to leave this place behind when it's time to pack beyond the familiar and unfamilir borders. A traveller in and out of season in the search of experience and wonders that money can't buy. Somehow, I suppose I gotta cross the borders while time is with me.

Counting the days before Christmas come.
Leaving and mending heart is on its way.
To re-organize genuine priorities  and embrace a childlike faith which has been relegated far too long.
Seize the day, I am learning more as the days pass me by.

Apa itu erti keberanian?

Betul kata Gordon. Tiada siapa yang melepasi rintangan dan duka dalam kehidupan ini.

Pada saat-saat  ini, apakah perkara kritikal yang perlu dititkberat?

Aku harap aku tidak akan memperlekeh apa yang penting buat masa ini.

Aku bukan takut bertemu ajal, apa yang aku gentar ialah kesakitan.

Apabila hati berdenyut dan ditusuk, apabila rasa tidak selesa memamah badan. Apabila mata tidak pejam di kala kamar malam.

Apapun, aku sudah bersedia untuk mengetahui keputusan hari esok atau lewat hari nanti.

Lebih bersedia untuk ini daripada menurunkan diri di tempat yang masih asing.

Ahad terakhir.

Aku akan merindui bayu laut yang membalut resah yang berbaur di sanubari.

Aku akan pulang. Aku akan pulang jua.

Aku berat hati . Apakah keputusan ini yang sewajarnya?

Apakah ini pilihan hati?

Hanya Tuhan Yang Maha Esa yang ada jawapannya.

Aku diberitahu  kita harus berani mencuba kerana kita tidak tahu apa yang bakal berlaku. Ia adalah sesuatu yang ghaib. Oleh itu kita tidak berhak untuk menentukan sama ada kita akan berjaya atau tidak. Ketentuan itu di luar bidang kuasa kita. Hak kita hanya mencuba dengan keberanian.

Andainya kita berkata gagal, maka perjuangan itu sudah berakhir dan pastilah kita menjadi selemah-lemahnya.Tugas kita hanya untuk memohon dan meminta sesuatu daripada kuasa yang paling agung iaitu Allah. Jangan meminta daripada manusia kerana manusia hanya sedikit harta untuk diberikannya, tetapi meminta pada Allah kerana Allah mampu dan berkuasa memberi sebagaimana yang ditentukan-Nya.

Manusia telah dijadikan di dalam keadaan bersusah-payah.

Kita mempunyai daya tahan yang mengkagumkan.Terpulang sama ada kita hendak menggunakannya atau tidak.Apabila ada kemahuan, di situ ada jalan.

Aku berfikir sejenak.

"Aku memohon pada-Mu Ya Tuhan. Berikanlah  kekuatan pada hambamu yang tidak menakung ketenangan. Bukalah jalan pada hambamu ini yang masih dalam kegelapan.

Dakaplah hambamu ini dalam kasih-mu yang tidak pernah berubah.

Amen."

Solitude in the sands.....

It was a tad confusing times.
I don't expect this to come eventhough my mind reeled at that question some time lapse.
Surprisingly, it came today. Surprisingly. A blessing in disguise?
Is this real?
I still have some time left with me. To make a change.
Yet, it was given by a set of turn of events which is watched and crafted by the above or "nasib"?
I am unsure.

Should I? Will I be given?

I ran upstairs to break the news to the one who loves me and quarrel with at times.

And I couldn't wait to break to the one who also loves me more than I do. One whom I am guity towards.

The past couple of days saw me walking at the park  , alone when Mister Moon and the galaxy of stars take over the scene.  Only a  soul over here.I like it here. I like the dark shady mysterious shadow. The pine , the sand and sands.....

Walking over the bridge while casting my shadow on the lake, with a moonlight view at the mini jetty was panoramic. I was smitten there and then.

It feels so right to be alone in such solitary moments. A solitude.

And how long more  can I be here during those evenings? How many hours?

What could come afterwards?

God is mightier than my finite thoughts.

Yes, I still miss him but I know there are greater things that I 've missed.